The Masticator Pro 5000™

I have some exciting news.

After years of teaching movement, studying the body, reading research, and watching the wellness industry turn ordinary life into something that needs Bluetooth, I have decided to enter the technology business.

Introducing the Masticator Pro 5000™.

A scientifically inspired solution to a problem you didn’t know you had.

Chewing.

For thousands of years people put food in their mouths and chewed it with no idea how they were doing. No data. No dashboard. No baseline. They just chewed.

Frankly, I’m amazed we survived.

The Masticator Pro 5000™ fixes that.

Proprietary JawSense™ technology. Chews per minute. Left-to-right jaw distribution. Bite consistency. Chewing duration. And a Mastication Score, because every health product needs a number you can worry about.

Wake up with a score of 83?

Pretty good.

But yesterday was 86.

What the hell happened?

Distracted at dinner? Left molar slacking? Chewing too hard during elevated emotional stress?

Don’t guess.

Measure.

There’s an app, of course. Free version gives you the basics. Serious masticators will want Premium Plus… it includes Historical trends. Molar Mode. Tooth by tooth.

Peggy is already developing a 30-day Jaw stretching program.

(She doesn’t know this yet… shhhhh)

For another fee it syncs with your watch, your sleep tracker, your glucose monitor, and hopefully soon, the refrigerator, so you can find out whether 31 chews instead of 27 improved your readiness on Tuesday.

This is the future.

But wait a minute .. there is one small problem.

There is no Masticator Pro 5000™.

I made the whole damn thing up.

What I didn’t make up is that chewing is actually interesting. There is real work on chewing, nutrition, and how the brain holds up as we get older.

That’s where we get in trouble.

Somewhere between scientists found something and I should probably pay attention, ordinary life turns into a project.

Walking became steps. Sleep became a score. Food became macros. Movement became zones. Recovery became readiness.

If somebody isn’t already building a device that checks whether you’re chewing evenly on both sides, I may have just ruined their weekend.

I like data. I read studies. I try things on myself. I’ve changed years of habit because I learned something.

I also wonder how much of a life we’re supposed to spend monitoring ourselves.

You can walk without asking whether today’s loop improved your biological age. You can eat a decent meal without photographing it. You can go to bed because you’re tired. You can chew without knowing your chews per minute.

Saturday, eat one meal without scoring it. No app. No count. Put food in your mouth and chew.

Science can teach us a lot.

I want to keep learning.

I just don’t want taking care of myself to become another full-time job.

Notice it.

Then put the dashboard down and enjoy your life.